Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
