someone threw a dead crab at me
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How does it feel to date your dad?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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