Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
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