Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize