you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
