Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
