I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
