I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
