I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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