the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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