I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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