Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
