I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
