Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
