Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
