$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
