The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
