Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
