Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
