what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
