Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
