What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
