My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
