I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
