it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
