You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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