she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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