Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
