Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
