Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
