The brown eye won't let me do that either.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
