I never want to see another naked old woman again.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We are all done wearing pants today
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
