Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
it's like heaven, but drunker
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
