I should be sponsored by Trojan
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
