She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
God, I missed his penis.
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