Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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