One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
