giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
