those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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