I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
