why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am naked and annoyed.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
