I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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