Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
These tits shall not be calmed
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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