I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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