Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
