his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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