MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
