My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
