Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This can only be settled by a dance off.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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