I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
