he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
