I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
