I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
