so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
