Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
